musings

My identity

The question of my identity has plagued me long enough to necessitate the creation of this blog. I will turn 30 years old this July. There’s a smirk on my face when I say that I turn 30 years old, as if it’s a momentary transformation. We all know it’s not, and I am just trying to sound intelligent, with the undercurrents of metamorphosis and metaphysics. Forgive me, I sometimes go on a different tangent than the moot point.

You get the idea, right? I want to understand myself. My opinions, my beliefs, my tastes. I have always been an introvert, trying to forage my identity in the pages of Emerson, or sometimes, Chicken soup for the soul too.

My friends, or acquaintances have always told me that ‘I think too much.’ May be, I do. But, that’s just how I am built. There’s no other person I could turn into. I have dived into the literature on ‘old souls’, I have tried going through my horoscope, I have tried talking to myself, I have tried writing a diary. Nothing has helped me disentangle, or loosen up.

Time and again, I have rationalised that I am an old soul.

I know that I have Venus in Gemini.

I write poetry and short fiction.

I listen to music.

But, deep down, I feel lonely, bereft of a twin soul or an intellectual counterpart.

I am 30 years old female, a wife, and a mother. I love my child to the moon and back. I have my identities vis-a-vis different roles.

However, I want to dive deep into myself- to understand my intellect, my morality. I want life to be a learning experience. I want to read Shakespeare, I want to learn French, I want to dance on Bollywood songs, I want to learn cooking. I might attempt going Vegan. I might go video logging my city. Somedays, I want to do nothing.

And, in all this, I want YOU to be a part of it. So that I don’t feel lonely. So that, every now and then, YOU come and peep into my life and tell me that you like me, and appreciate me.

That I’m not a fool. That I’m just as normal as anyone could be. That it’s okay that I have watched 14 movies on Netflix this past month.

Please tell me that it’s okay if I think that now is the time for a new beginning. I am trying to take a stock of my life. NOW. After 30 springs. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself. Or is it?

I no longer want to talk to myself (only).

I want YOU to be my friend on this journey.

Jumping from one topic to another, I might come across as confused (which I am), but I am trying to unravel myself. I’m not in fetters. I’m like this girl trying to balance herself on the cliff’s precipice.

Take care.

Meet you soon!

 

 

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